Tommy Slax

pening remarks from the North Walrossville Histrionic
Society's Inaugural Ball, exactly one month ago today,
delivered by Sedgwick Slax, Esq.:

"Tommy Slax was raised 2 million years ago by a family
of pygmy pandas. These pandas had arms for legs, legs
for noses, and noses for arms. The anatomy and
physiology of these pandas is both impossible and
unimportant, and also an untruth, meant to distract
you from the thief that just absconded with your
wallets.

Now that your pockets are a little lighter, let me let
you in on a secret: you aren't wearing any pants.
That's better. What? Why am I talking to you? Ok,
the real reason we're here today is this: nobody here,
especially Tommy Slax, knows anything about anything,
especially about Tommy Slax. He was raised by
freakish pygmy pandas, for Pip's sake!

Yet there is one idea that may provide enlightenment
for all: pygmy pandas are real, and they are coming
for your wallets. Soon afterwards, through no fault
of the pandas, pants will be no more. Through the
Spaulding Years that will ensue, ideas will become
currency, and this new currency will have no value
whatsoever. And that, my esteemed colleagues and
fellow freak-outers, is how the Slax theorem unites
theoretical and rhetorical calculus."